Feeling Compelled (And How to Stop It)

iStockphoto image from Gannet77You say you want to live your life your way, but what is your way?

Many of us long to create a life by design rather than default.  We know we're not satisfied with the status quo, and we have a strong feeling that we were meant to do something else, something more, but when we sit down to map out what that ideal life might look like, that's where we run into problems.

If you're like me, you're certainly not completely in the dark when it comes to knowing what you want out of life.  For me, there are definitely things I enjoy, things I'd like to see happen, or that I'd like to see more of in my life, but at the same time, it's hard not to feel, what would be a good word, compelled when I think of how my way might look.

Case in point, when I got out of bed yesterday, I tried to be very purposeful with how I approached the day, so as to avoid falling into more established and undesired habits of recent years.  Soon after I got up, I realized that I would need to define what my ideal day looked like, if I ever hoped to create it (Chris Guillebeau talks about this in The Art of Non-Conformity), so I started thinking, "What would my ideal day look like?"

I've tried working through this exercise on several different occasions over the last couple of months, and while I can easily think of a lot of things I do want out of an ideal day, I can't help but also think things like:

• "I need to work a certain number of hours each day."
• "I need to be available at [time], in case [x, y, z] happens."
• "I need to finish up some of those 'mid-stream' projects."
• "I need to follow up with [person] about that [not-so-important-to-me] project."
• "I should be dressed by [time]..." or "I should do [x, y, z] at [such and such time]."

On and on, the list grows, until eventually, I become overwhelmed by feeling compelled to do so many things based on preconditioned ideas of what one should do in a given day.

This is the tricky part, and Chris Guillebeau actually spoke of this at the The Art of Non-Conformity book tour event - how to live an unconventional life in a conventional world, something I think Gretchen Rubin talked about at The Happiness Project.

When you're trying to create the life of your dreams, how do you stop feeling compelled to do things in a prescribed way?

• If you're a night owl by nature, how do you stop feeling guilty about not being up by 7 AM every morning?
• If you work better in the afternoons, how do you arrange your day to support that and not feel lazy about not working in the mornings?
• If you prefer working first and then getting ready for the afternoon or evening, how do you avoid feeling like a slob for being in your pajamas until noon or later?

The list could go on forever, and despite the chides anyone more comfortable with bucking the system might throw out, if you're new to the whole non-conformity thing, it can be more than a little unnerving.

So, how do you stop feeling so guilty about your choices?  How do you stop feeling so compelled?  My thoughts: lots of practice and resolve.

Kind of like a smoker learning to quit, it's not always easy, and "cold turkey" doesn't work for everyone.  You might have feelings of guilt, of not being "normal," or find that certain "triggers" (to use stop-smoking speak) cause you to slip back into old habits.

I think that's all okay, and over time, with practice and consistency, you'll get more and more comfortable living your life your own way.

Don't worry about being perfect or "getting it right."  Just always come back to that underlying purpose you want for your life, and let that steer you closer and closer to the person you aspire to be.

Notes on Non-Conformity

Image courtesy of AONCI’ve been writing bits and pieces for the premiere “re-launch” post at Rock Your Genius for the past two weeks, as I searched to find just the right words to set the tone for the Imua Campaign.  That’s not possible, but I’m glad things turned out the way they did, because tonight made for a fitting start.

Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity came to New Orleans as part of his Unconventional Book Tour, and if I had to recommend one place to start your journey in overcoming “default living” and moving forward with purpose, his new book The Art of Non-Conformity is it.

My Start in Non-Conformity

I remember in eleventh grade first hearing the word non-conformist and knowing right away that there was a good chance it somehow described me.  That was the first year that I started forging my own path.  I would graduate a year early that year, which was unheard of in my area, and I caught more than a little flak for it.  I only remember one teacher saying, “Run with it,” and so I did.

Non-conformist kind of became my secret rebellious side, since I was always the one outwardly following the rules and doing things to make those around me happy.  My junior year started something.

Come to think of it, there must be something with me and junior years, because my junior year in college, I dropped out and started my own business at the age of 21, much to the disappointment of some of those around me, but I’ve never looked back (although it would have been interesting to see how I might have spun non-conformity and a biology degree - hmm, maybe more on that later).

Either way, I stumbled on Chris Guillebeau’s blog some time in 2008 and immediately knew I would stick around.  What can I say?  He had me at non-conformity.

Looking for Your Own Start?

If you’re ready to buck the system a little (or a lot), start with The Art of Non-Conformity.  You won’t be disappointed.  As he says early on in the book, his “motivation is to help people challenge authority and live unconventional, remarkable lives,” and the book gives a good bit of direction for doing just that.

Here are ten of my favorite quotes from the book to give you an idea of the inspiration you’ll find within it.

1. “Whatever your dreams are, start taking them very, very seriously.” -- a quote from Barbara Sher in Wishcraft (another great book I’d recommend)
2. “When you reach the convergence between getting what you really want while also helping others in a unique way, I call this ‘world domination,’ where you can live a life of adventure and focus on leaving a legacy that makes a radical difference for other people.” (I hope the Imua Campaign is that convergence for me, or at least, I intend for it to be.)
3. “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” -- a quote from Margaret Mead
4. “It’s not my goal to live the most optimized life possible.  The key is to avoid doing things out of habit or because I’m not brave enough to overcome my fear of change.”
5. “Every man dies; not every man really lives.” -- William Wallace
6. “The practice of abundance is all about embracing life to the fullest and ordering your life around a few key priorities.”
7. “The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times … the best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” -- a quote from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in Flow
8. “There are certain things that are fundamental to human fulfillment.  The essence of these needs is captured in the phrase ‘to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy.’  The need to leave a legacy is our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution.” -- Stephen Covey
9. “Wherever you are in life, however old you are, begin thinking about every day as the first day of your life.”
10. “Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” -- Sir Cecil Beaton

I’ll be talking much more about the book in posts to come, I’m sure.  I still have to go back through it and apply the suggestions Chris makes, and I know that, as I do, I’ll want to share some of his insights, as well as my own thoughts and new directions that result from his inspiration.

A special thanks to Chris for taking an unconventional route and encouraging the rest of us to follow suit (and also for being the real deal; it’s nice to come across folks in person who are the same as what they seem online).

More to come.

“You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.”
-- Chris Guillebeau, The Art of Non-Conformity